For most of my adolescent years, I lived a life of inward shame marked with shallow “friends,” and lonely, disappointing attempts at finding love. At age 16, I got an abortion and it only multiplied the negative emotions that I experienced. When I was 22 years old, I met Christ. Meeting Jesus changed my life. He immediately started cleaning house — a little too quickly, if I’m being honest. The Holy Spirit nudged in some places that were buried deep, but still painful, such as the abortion, and I resisted His healing. I didn’t want His help in those areas, so like a gentleman, He left them alone. This was a problem. As Romans 8:2 reads, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”
Jesus set me free from sin and death, but, for the following eight years, I hid the pain of my abortion below the surface. By holding onto this sin, I missed out on the complete freedom Jesus died to give me. It stunted me spiritually. Soon after meeting Jesus, I was no longer able to feel the glorious Presence that I felt upon our initial meeting. I was tremendously confused. I couldn’t understand why I was unable to “fan into flame the gift of God” (2 Timothy 1:6 NIV).
The Missing Piece — Searching for the Voice of God
I read the Word everyday and begged God to draw close to me, but I felt nothing. Every morning, I sat in my room with my Bible in the air, sometimes sobbing in desperation, pleading, “You said ‘draw near to Me and I will draw near to you!’ Where are You? You said ‘seek and I will find, knock and the door will be opened.’ For how long do I have to knock? I just want to be close to You!”
For eight years, I got no answer. In fact, for eight years, I could probably count on one hand the number of times I actually heard the Lord speak to me. But, I never lost hope. I knew that the God I’d initially encountered was still with me.
Still, out of loneliness, I began slipping back into some of my old habits. I hung around after work and drank the night away. When I awoke in the morning to conviction, tears of joy would stream down my face. “Conviction, You are here! Thank you,” I’d whisper. I may not have been as close to Him as I wanted to be, but He was certainly with me.
“Suddenly, I heard God again: ‘They didn’t have a choice but you did.’ I knew He was referring to the abortion I had seventeen years ago.”
I eventually found a Christian mentor who plugged me into a solid community of believers. The nonsensical drinking stopped, but it — and other sins from my past — continued to plague my mind. Outwardly, I led a happy life, but I was battling an inward struggle against condemnation and shame.
Finally, in March of this year, I heard the Lord say, “I’m going to take you deeper.” I burst into tears! At last, the answer to eight years of prayer. I was overjoyed.
A Divine Intervention And Deliverance
A week later, my stomach bloated overnight. I woke up forty pounds heavier with an unexplainable, pregnant-looking belly. My doctor ran a full metabolic panel and concluded that it was water retention from stress. Strangely, that weight was retained only in my belly. Days later, some good friends of ours lost their newborn baby. We were all heartbroken, but my friend’s only response was “our baby is in the arms of Jesus and it is well with my soul.” When I heard this insane faith in the midst of a catastrophic storm, I was shaken to the core. Something stirred inside of me.
The next morning, as I was trying to read my Bible, I couldn’t help but weep over our friends’ loss. Suddenly, I heard God again: “They didn’t have a choice but you did.” I knew He was referring to the abortion I had seventeen years ago. In a split second, the thing I stuffed down rose up to the surface and I knew I wouldn’t be able to push it down again. I then heard God say, “I want to take this from you once and for all, so we can be close.”
I started wailing. This festering thing inside of me was exposed. My husband tried to comfort me, but I was useless and broken. The wall I had built up against the pain of the abortion was gone.
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I begged God to take this from me. I asked Him to take full control of everything that I had been keeping from Him — all of the pain, guilt, and unforgiveness. I surrendered to Him, truly, for the first time. As I uttered those words, God lifted the shame of my abortion as if it were a stray hair. It felt as though seven hundred pounds were taken off of me. And, my stomach miraculously deflated.
My Newfound Intimacy With The Holy Spirit
For the next few days, I woke up expecting to feel the heaviness I was accustomed to. Instead, I was greeted by the sweetest Presence I could have ever imagined. The Holy Spirit had been with me since I was saved at 22, but now that I’d surrendered, I felt Him. The Spirit showed me that even when I wasn’t fully committed to a life of following Christ, He never stopped intervening. He led me to accept His second invitation to surrender and the result was the intimacy that I’d been craving for so long after meeting Jesus.
A few weeks later, I got lunch with a friend whose husband is a dentist. She talked to me about an abscessed tooth, explaining that the festering infection is under the surface, so the dentist has to cut deep, clean out the wound, then refill it. Her explanation perfectly mirrored my experience with the Lord; my mind was blown!
The next morning, I remembered her words and thanked Jesus. Right then, I had a vision of my belly inflated to the size it was before. I saw Jesus holding a needle. He poked my belly and it deflated back to its normal size. I wept tears of joy.
The Lord then revealed that women who undergo abortions experience tremendous emotional and mental pain. He instructed me to seek post-abortive healing. Conveniently, I encountered a friend’s Facebook post that read: “Call this number if you’ve had an abortion and want to talk to someone about it.” I called the number and joined a ten-week, post-abortive recovery Bible study.
During the program, I received more healing and deliverance than I thought possible. I finally forgave my mother, who I blamed for the abortion and I accepted responsibility. For the first time, I repented. I forgave myself. I also finally healed from some sexual trauma in my childhood and adolescence.
Near the end of recovery, our leaders instructed us to ask God the gender and name of our children, since they’re not just dead, but in Heaven. Very quickly, God gave me both answers: I had a son named David.
Redemption Births A Ministry
As I walked out on the last day of my recovery program, I made a promise to my now-seventeen year old son David: “Since I ended your life and didn’t give you a chance to live, I will, in your honor, do everything in my power to defend women from the deception and I will defend life.” God has made it so.
We started a post-abortive ministry called Beautiful Redemption, which serves as a safe place of healing and freedom for women facing the devastating aftermath of abortion. I left my corporate job to support the pro-life movement by helping shape pro-life policy and legislation. Now, I am working with Let Them Live, a non-profit helping moms facing the decision of abortion because of financial burden.
Since I surrendered three years ago, Jesus has done more in my life than I ever could have dreamed. My journey has made one thing clear: God wants to set us free. Meeting Jesus will change your life as it did mine. Whatever you’re holding onto, God can and will free you from it. He truly is the Redeemer. As we trust Him, He gives us new memories to replace the shame and guilt that once wrote our stories.
