Growing up, I was taught my virginity belonged to my husband. I stayed a virgin physically, but mentally and emotionally, I acted out sexually. Placing the power and purpose of my purity in the hands of an unknown man, while striving to be the perfect “Proverbs 31 woman” caused a lot of heartache for me.
Now, I want to reclaim purity for all women. I think it’s time to separate our perception of staying pure from the lies we have been taught through the world and in the church.
Purity in Christian Culture
Christian women have always been held to a high standard. I’ve heard these concepts preached often: be modest, stay pure, submit to authority, and the Proverbs 31 woman holds the keys to being desirable. I will say, these are all honorable and beautiful teachings. But, they were not meant to be the epitome of our worth.
Navigating Pressure
The pressure of saving my virginity for my future husband shaped the way I saw myself. I felt I wasn’t beautiful outside of a man’s approval. There I sat, waiting for a prince charming to fulfill me. My virginity became tied up with all of these things I believed about men, as well as myself.
I found myself stuck between “purity culture” and the world’s overt sexual freedom. In my mind, having premarital sex would mean losing my value. My status as a “good Christian” depended on my righteousness.
The Lies Behind Purity
Since I was tying my worth to how men desired me, I became willing to disregard my boundaries. I wasn’t willing to have sex, but I did sext. Sexting became a repeated sin in my life, because it was an easy way to get attention without going all the way. My thought process was this: if virginity was my single most precious gift, then surely one of my greatest purposes must be sex.
Related: Testimony: The Emotions of Feeling ‘Seen’
My thoughts may seem distorted. However, I have met many Christian women who think the same way, but do not even realize it. They struggle with sexual sin because they believe the same things I did. Too many women in the church put their virginity on a pedestal—as if it’s the most precious thing in the world.
I can’t tell you how many times I confessed my sin to someone else and they responded by saying, “at least you’re still a virgin.” Honestly speaking, I don’t believe this is anywhere close to how God sees purity or wants us to live it out. I don’t believe virginity is the whole picture of purity.
Enter Christ
If I could do this purity walk all over again, I would make Christ my focal point. My purity is not centered around becoming a “Proverbs 31 woman.”
You see, I know God wants to protect me. His love is so deep that He gives instructions on how to walk this out purposefully. God is forgiving, merciful, and compassionate. His instruction to remain pure (for both men and women) is as a boundary to shield us from pain.
This allows for a beautiful and intimate act to unite us with our God-given partner. Jesus Himself met many promiscuous women, and He never told them that they’d given their greatest gift away. Instead, He affirmed their worth. He knew their story. He protected them. Jesus valued and saw them. Purity is beautiful and wonderful—but it’s not your salvation, ladies!
Reclaim Purity for You
If I had understood that my virginity was something to save for my own sake, then I would have saved it because I wanted to and not for validation. I wish I knew back then that purity was meant to draw me closer to Jesus because then maybe I would have been more intentional about guarding it.
My purpose is to be loved and cherished by Christ. My identity is not rooted in sex or a man. I have free will to choose boundaries in Christ. Nothing, not even sexual sin, can separate me from the love of Christ! With this knowledge, I would have lived a life of purity from a place of joy and freedom, rather than from fear.
Related: A Love Letter to the Woman Saving Herself for Marriage
Commission
I urge you not to believe the lie that your worth is your purity. Release that. Do not believe the lie that you are made to be a sexual object. Please embrace that you are a beloved daughter, created for love by Christ, and His instruction to remain pure is a loving boundary.
If you have already had sex in any way, you are not damaged goods. You have never lost your worth, and God will never stop loving you. God calls you to a life of purity because He knows that is what you deserve. To live a life free of sexual distortion, to stand strong in your worth, and make sure any man who wants sex treats you with the value you inherently hold.
Rethink Purity
I invite you to rethink what you’ve heard about sex, purity, and what it means to be a Proverbs 31 woman. To set aside all the teachings you have heard and learned so far, and to ask God to speak to you about it. I guarantee His words to you will be kinder, more powerful, truth-filled, and encouraging than any other teaching you have ever received.
Further Resources:
Beggar’s Daughter by Jessica Harris
Sex, Jesus, and the Conversations the Church Forgot by Mo Isom
The Great Sex Rescue (intended for couples)
Jessica Mills is a missionary kid who grew up among international friends, she’s worked full-time in ministry with international students for 7 years. She’s also a passionate writer, educator, poet, and animal lover interested in Environmental Education. A single gal in her late 20s, Jessica is passionate about mental health, leaning into God’s love, and finding meaning in scripture, movies, and every day life.
