If you would’ve told me I’d be newly single at 28, a year ago, I would’ve laughed in disbelief! Yet, here I am, trying this dating thing again, but this time, I’m heaven-bent on doing it with God leading the way. As a Christian woman, doing all I can to be the perfect “Proverbs 31 woman”, it’s so easy to over-spiritualize the dating scene. Well, I’m here to normalize and simplify dating for you. Let’s just say, I’ve made some mistakes so you don’t have to.
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
I’ve had my wedding planned since I was 16. My Pinterest board was filled with late-night ideas, color schemes, and invitation designs. I’ve always been a lover girl– a lover of love. I’ve spent most of my life subconsciously looking to be swept off my feet by every man I’ve encountered.
I forced romance on men meant to be brothers. I created unrealistic scenarios, only hurting myself in the process. I’ve compromised every hard limit I have ever had, including the necessity to marry someone who I’m equally yoked with in Christ. I’ve sacrificed it all in the name of love, doing things in ways that only made sense to me. Only after my heart was invested would I consult God. This isn’t how we’re meant to fall in love!
Last year, I made the decision to end a relationship with a man I was willing to spend the rest of my life with. I knew God had better for both of us, but I didn’t want to let go, because I didn’t believe better would find me. I tried to go back on my word, I groveled, I bargained, I hit rock bottom.
At my very lowest, I decided to give my heart, and my singleness journey back to God.
My failed relationships didn’t hinder my awe for love. This desire for marriage is still burning in my heart, but it’s no longer at the forefront of my mind. I learned that being in a relationship isn’t the solution I thought it was. I used to think if I could just be with the person I’m meant to do life with things will be better, or I’d think, I’ll be happy once I have my person.
Related: Sometimes Love is Heartbreak
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
The truth is when we pursue romantic relationships outside of God’s timing, it will never feel right.
I learned this the hard way. But a broken heart makes for beautiful soil. I allowed God to use my pain to heal me. I opened myself up to growth and some pretty tough constructive criticism. I can’t front and say it was easy working through my last breakup. I will say it has helped me tremendously with how I approach dating, today.
The first thing I did was get a life…you heard me correctly, ladies. Get. A. Life! Marriage isn’t the end goal, fulfilling our God-given calling is. Has God called some of us to marriage? Yes. However, we can sometimes idolize the things God has for us over what’s most important: a relationship with our Lord and Savior.
When I began seeking God and allowing Him into every area of my life, my priorities shifted. I started pursuing my writing career more intentionally, I discovered healthy coping skills, my community grew, my confidence skyrocketed, and I started seeing my prayers answered right before my eyes. I didn’t have proof of this before, but being in alignment with God truly changes everything!
Matthew 6:33 has become a staple in discovering what God wants from me in my singleness. Whenever I find myself drowning in my desires for love–When I’m on Instagram comparing myself to my friends who are recently engaged, planning weddings, starting their own family legacies–I ask myself, “Mianda…are you seeking God’s Kingdom first?”
This question humbles me every time because it reminds me that if I stay on my face in the presence of God, if I allow Him to transform my heart, if I am learning more about who He is and apply my knowledge to how I choose to live my life, then everything else will be added to me.
In other words, I don’t have to worry. One thing that will always leave me in awe about God is how effortlessly He dresses the lilies and watches over every sparrow in the sky. How can I be anxious, when God takes such beautiful care of His creations? Our love stories will happen organically if we just let God do His thing!
Here are 3 ways to date with God in mind:
1. Deepen Your Intimacy With God
There is something so sweet about loving the One who first loved us. The more I learn about God through His word and let Him speak into every area of my life, the more I’m learning about myself and what I need. Proximity to God has truly changed my desires!
The Bible says that we are to guard our hearts and not lean on what we understand (Proverbs 3:5). We do this by letting God into our hearts, bringing all our emotions to Him as we’re feeling them. and spending intentional time in His Presence.
2. Focus On Yourself, First
Being single gives us the space to explore who we are. We talk so much about what we desire in a partner, but what do you desire from yourself? Who do you want to be? Use this time to discover your passions. Try something new! Learn your boundaries. Expand your community. Invest in your platonic relationships.
This is your opportunity to make your life full in Christ!
3. Spiritual Counsel Is Key!
When you are ready to plunge into intentional dating, it’ll serve you well to have women in your life who have been where you are and can walk with you through being pursued. I’ve learned firsthand that without guidance, things rarely go as planned, but learning from the wiser sets us up for success! (Proverbs 15:22)
