I tend to use the term, “friend” very loosely. Usually, I am referring to people I have a positive relationship with and have known for a long time. The truth is, I know it’s more than that. Friendship is another one of those ideals (like sex, marriage, happiness, or success) that the world teaches us about without the consultation of the One who created it. The Bible depicts Christian friendship as something much deeper than what I typically imagine or seek out in others. For one, a Christian friendship is based upon a shared devotion to the gospel of Jesus Christ. It consists of love, care, bearing each other’s burdens, and sharpening each other as iron sharpens iron. It couldn’t be any farther from my loose interpretations.
Recently, I read the Art of Being Private by Dephne Madyara and her words described my experiences:
“You find that you are rummaging through your so-called friendship managing their negativity, jealousy, insecurity, envy, bad moods, outbursts or irritation. Your friendship is now like an academic essay assignment! You can no longer casually mention the great things happening in your life, lest you offend him or her. If this is the kind of friendship you have, it is dysfunctional, and you are settling! Sadly, some of us Christians have gone into dangerous territories of abuse, bitterness, unforgiveness and hatred simply because they expected too much from individuals who are not capable of being a friend. Beloved, do not allow a lousy friendship to cause you to accommodate sin in your heart. The Bible lays a foundation of what friendship is.”
Ouch! It inspired me to run back to my Bible for direction and re-hash my understanding and expectations of Christian friendship. At the crux, I believe in covenant friendships that are orchestrated by God for a purpose. Even seasonal relationships can and should be fruitful for their duration. In the best of friendships, I’ve learned to seek oneness in spirit and selfless love. In the Bible, after David victoriously defeated Goliath he was requested to stay with King Saul and not return home. It marked the beginning of a tumultuous season of trial for David, but it was also the beginning of a covenant friendship between himself and Johnathan, Saul’s son:
“After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family. And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.” — 1 Samuel 18:1
Using a biblical standard for navigating Christian friendship, we may find that we don’t have any friends at all. Perhaps only acquaintances or associates at best. I discovered that forcing friendships and holding on to ones that are merely a source of comfort, is harmful for all parties. You see, we are being pruned and groomed in such a beautiful way by the Lord. But that does not mean everyone will celebrate that growth or engage in the mutual sharpening that godly friends would.
Iron sharpens iron, but It doesn’t sharpen plastic. It breaks it. When our friends do not have a strong relationship with God themselves that produces them into iron too, they can come to us and experience irritation rather than elation. They simply cannot comprehend who we really are or who we’re becoming.
It’s painful when you bare your soul and “friends” undervalue, misunderstand, or become offended and intimidated by it. As a young woman growing in the Lord, I often wonder if I am alone in my experience of raving about God and people think I’m being “over-spiritual!” Or if anyone else has had their most difficult moments downplayed by “friends” who felt you didn’t have it as bad as them because you’re “so blessed.” Or has had to prop others up so they wouldn’t feel intimidated by God’s grace in my life. It’s exhausting because in friendship, especially Christian friendship, we need love and sharpening, not a breaking down.
Jesus is a true friend. He is selfless and non-judgmental. Like Ruth who refused to leave Naomi’s side, Jesus promises to be with me always, until the end of the age. He is ready to dine with me and anyone who opens the door of their hearts to Him.
The key is to work on myself in every season so that I am more like Him — full of love and wise in navigating every circle without bitterness and offense. I have to practice looking inward, engaging in Spirit-led reflection on the individuals in my life and the purpose they serve. Allowing Him to mold me into a better sister and friend to others. I do not have all the answers, but I do know one thing. I am safe in His arms to surrender and let go of the old. He that began a perfect work in me will complete it. He is more than capable of handling my friendship circles and making me into iron, sharp and ready. Friendship is deep and a beautiful blessing. In time, I will be in good company.
